Fight Like a Girl.

Two weeks ago I found a lump. 

Actually, I felt something bothering me after my workout. I was stretching and looking in the mirror. And there it was. Not only did I feel it, I saw it. 

I think I spent the next hour freaking out. Good reaction Eh? I tried to get in touch with one of my closest friends who is a breast cancer survivor. Of course she was in meetings and I couldn't reach her. She was the only one I wanted to talk to. Ok, I will wait for her. So until then..... Fear sets in. 

Fear. Man, fear sucks. It stopped my whole day. But, really, what was I afraid of? Well, the big C of course. I didn't want to think about it. The next thing to do is call the doctor. Logical. Practical. Smart. Yeah yeah yeah. 

Scary. 

My girlfriend finally got a break and called me back. I asked, Did you have any lumps you could feel? (I should know the answer to this because she had no idea back then. I remember this). No, she said. Get to the doctor, don't wait. Not one moment. She said exactly what the logical and practical side of me said to do. 

I went to the doc.  I felt a little better. He said he thinks it's a cyst. Here is your script for a mammo. Not only mammo but a sonogram.  

Holy crap! I forgot to ask for the Sono. I've been telling people to get a sonogram with their mammo after learning my late friend Marie had IBC - Inflammatory Breast Cancer. They didn't find her cancer on the mammo. They found it on the sono. IBC is known as breast cancer, no lumps. And I forgot to ask.  Good thing I had a script for it now. 

So, at this point I'm partly relieved. The doc isn't that concerned about cancer. Yet, at the same time, I can't slow my mind down.  It keeps repeating, What if? What if? What if?

Have you ever asked yourself that question?  What if? Haha silly question for me to ask you, right? 

If you're anything like me, you've not only asked it, you've answered it. If you're anything like me, you're dead and buried by the time you have your next your next thought... Ugh. 

Fear. Is. A. Liar. 

Which got me to thinking. Why am I so worried? It's better to know than to not know. Because then I can do something about it. 

I went for my mammogram and sonogram last week. I walked in full knowing something was there. So, why then, was I so surprised that it was taking so long and that I was there forever taking screen after screen? .....

Why was I so surprised that they'd tell me I need to go for a biopsy!?!?! 

Well, DUH, of course I would have to go. Why wasn't I thinking clearly? How could the radiologist let me walk out of the office with "sure we see something but you can go on your merry way?"  For someone so smart, I can be pretty dumb. They talk me through what to do, what to expect, call the insurance company. I just want to go home. 

They let me leave, hallelujah! Crap, now I have to drive home and try not to throw up. Have you had this happen to you? I know so many women who've had to deal with this before, so why am I thinking the world is going to end? PFFT!  This happens and it happens often for all sorts of reason. Even false positives from the screening. Nobody really talks about it though. What was it like for them?  Did they feel the same way as me?

Oh, I'm scared. That's it. I'm unfamiliar with this feeling. You know that feeling? The feeling of fear creeping into your body until your belly drops out and your knees turn to jelly? I'm driving home thinking and feeling this. What the Hell is wrong with me?

Omg! What am I doing!? I'm making myself crazy. STOP it! I say it just like I do to Bella. Cut it out. Stop that. 

Ok breathe. Think. They have to move forward to find out what's going on. How can I move forward if I don't know either?  Breathing.... Loosening the grip on the wheel, belly not about to have anymore. What's the worst part right now?

The worst part is the waiting.  Wait, no, the worst part is the needle for the biopsy.... It rivals the waiting ... needles make me faint. Oh wait! Maybe not I'd I pass out I will miss the whole thing!  There is an upside to this ... Lmao. 

My biopsy is tomorrow and I can't wait to get there. Now I know this sounds really crazy, but I'm serious. I just want to know what's going so I can move forward with all of this. I've been waiting for a week hypersensitive to this lump, or dense mass as they called it, and it hurts. Nope, not from mentally making it hurt, but from all those damn push-ups from Insanity and Les Mills Combat. I have to get them in because it will be a few days before I can do them after. 

So, let's think clearly. Have I forgotten that the doc isn't that worried? Nope. I remember now. Am i the first or last woman to go though this?  Nope again!  I hate that we don't talk about it. I hate that i was afraid to talk about it. I only told very few people. As it turns out I have a lot of people in my life that have gone through this. And I never knew. 

The point is of this long babbling blog is awareness, to not be afraid and to talk about it. Schedule your mammo. Go see your doctor. Get your physical. Take care of yourself. Moreover, talk to your friends and family. Don't go through it alone.  

My mammo was clear last year. It was to the day of my mammo that I found this lump. I can do something about whatever it is. I can't if I wallow and drown myself in fear. I'm going to find out what's happening.  Good or bad, I'VE GOT THIS.

I'm grateful for all my blessings. Especially Bella. In our little world over here I will lead by example and be brave. If one of my best friends could do this, well, then so can I. 

As for me, I'm going to Fight Like a Girl.